7.2 Close Relationships: Liking and Loving over the Long Term

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Learning Objectives

Outline the factors that define close relationships.

Distinguish between communal and exchange relationships.

Explore Sternberg’s triangular model of love.

Review research on romantic love and attention to others.

Outline the role of attachment style in close relationships.

Consider the impact of Internet behaviors on intimate relationships.

Review some important factors that can help romantic relationships to be successful.

Explore key factors that contribute to the ending of close relationships.

To this point in the chapter, we have focused upon the attraction that occurs between people who are initially getting to know one another. But the basic principles of social psychology can also be applied to help us understand relationships that last longer. When good friendships develop, when people get married and plan to spend the rest of their lives together, and when families grow closer over time, the relationships take on new dimensions and must be understood in somewhat different ways. Yet the principles of social psychology can still be applied to help us understand what makes these relationships last.

The factors that keep people liking and loving each other in long-term relationships are at least in part the same as the factors that lead to initial attraction. For instance, regardless of how long they have been together, people remain interested in the physical attractiveness of their partners, although it is relatively less important than for initial encounters. And similarity remains essential. Relationships are also more satisfactory and more likely to continue when the individuals develop and maintain similar interests and continue to share their important values and beliefs over time (Davis & Rusbult, 2001). Both actual and assumed similarity between partners tend to grow in long-term relationships and are related to satisfaction in opposite-sex marriages (Schul & Vinokur, 2000). Some aspects of similarity, including that in terms of positive and negative affectivity, have also been linked to relationship satisfaction in same-sex marriages (Todosijevic, Rothblum, & Solomon, 2005). However, some demographic factors like education and income similarity seem to relate less to satisfaction in same-sex partnerships than they do in opposite sex ones (Todosijevic, Rothblum, & Solomon, 2005).

Proximity also remains important—relationships that undergo the strain of the partners being apart from each other for very long are more at risk for breakup. For example, recall our chapter case study about Frank and Anita Milford’s 80-year marriage; the couple said that  “We do everything together even after nearly 80 years.”

But what about passion? Does it still matter over time? Yes and no. People in long-term relationships who are most satisfied with their partners report that they still feel passion for their partners—they still want to be around them as much as possible, and they enjoy making love with them (Simpson, 1987; Sprecher, 2006). And they report that the more they love their partners, the more attractive they find them (Simpson, Gangestad, & Lerma, 1990). On the other hand, the high levels of passionate love that are experienced in initial encounters are not likely to be maintained throughout the course of a long-term relationship (Acker & Davis, 1992). Recall, though, that physical intimacy continues to be important. Frank and Anita from our case study, for example, said that they still put great importance on sharing a kiss and a cuddle every night before bed.

Over time, cognition becomes relatively more important than emotion, and close relationships are more likely to be based on companionate love [Production: Please bold font in OER], defined as love that is based on friendship, mutual attraction, common interests, mutual respect, and concern for each other’s welfare. This does not mean that enduring love is less strong—rather, it may sometimes have a different underlying structure than initial love based more on passion.

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Destiny vs. Growth Beliefs

Activity 2: Destiny and Growth Beliefs Scale

*This section of the open course textbook is designed to support PSYC 3271, and the activity numbering corresponds to Unit 4.

Introduction

The following scale will help you to understand your own perspectives on relationships and conflict. Use this as a learning opportunity. If you change your answers to make them seem more socially appropriate, you may miss the chance to learn something new about yourself and strive for personal growth.

Instructions

Below is a list of statements about relationships.

Respond to each of the following items using the scale provided. Try to be as honest as possible; your answers are for your personal use and reflection, you will not be required to share them.

Please rate yourself on the following items by writing a number for each statement, where you:

1 = Strongly Disagree; 2 = Disagree; 3 = Neutral; 4 = Agree, 5 = Strongly Agree

Potential relationship partners are either compatible or they are not.

A successful relationship is mostly a matter of finding a compatible partner right from the start.

Potential relationship partners are either destined to get along or they are not.

Relationships that do not start off well inevitably fail.

If a potential relationship is not meant to be, it will become apparent very soon.

The success of a potential relationship is destined from the very beginning.

To last, a relationship must seem right from the start.

A relationship that does not get off to a perfect start will never work.

Struggles at the beginning of a relationship are a sure sign that the relationship will fail.

Unsuccessful relationships were never meant to be.

Early troubles in a relationship signify a poor match between partners.

The ideal relationship develops gradually over time.

A successful relationship evolves through hard work and resolution of incompatibilities.

A successful relationship is mostly a matter of learning to resolve conflicts with a partner.

Challenges and obstacles in a relationship can make love even stronger.

Problems in a relationship can bring partners closer together.

Relationships often fail because people do not try hard enough.

With enough effort, almost any relationship can work.

It takes a lot of time and effort to cultivate a good relationship.

Without conflict from time to time, relationships cannot improve.

Arguments often enable a relationship to improve.

Successful relationships require regular maintenance.

Scoring: [Production: please accordion the feedback text and nest it under this heading]

 

To calculate your Destiny Beliefs Score: add the score for statements 1-11 and divide the sum by the total number of statements (11) to determine the average.

 

To calculate your Growth Beliefs Score: add the score for statements 12-22 and divide the sum by the total number of statements (11) to determine the average.

 

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How to interpret your score: [Production: please accordion the feedback text and nest it under this heading]

 

The midpoint for the two subscales (i.e., Destiny Beliefs and Growth Beliefs) is 3 (Neutral). It is possible to be high on both or low on both, but you will likely find you have at least one score that is higher than 3. [Production: end of text to accordion]

 

 

In the following section, we will be exploring what these scores mean by examining the behaviors and relationship implications associated with each type of beliefs.

 

 

Source: Knee, C. R., Patrick, H., & Lonsbary, C. (2003). Implicit Theories of Relationships: Orientations Toward Evaluation and Cultivation. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 7(1), 41-55.

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Destiny beliefs and growth beliefs represent two distinct frameworks through which individuals perceive the nature of relationships, especially romantic ones. These belief systems influence how people interpret relationship challenges and opportunities, and they significantly impact behaviour and emotional well-being within close relationships.

Destiny beliefs are grounded in the idea that relationships are either “meant to be” or not. People who hold strong destiny beliefs tend to view relationships in a more fixed, binary way. If a couple is meant for each other, the relationship should work effortlessly; conversely, if there are problems, it may signal incompatibility. Research by Knee (1998) suggests that individuals with strong destiny beliefs are more likely to see challenges as insurmountable, and they may disengage from the relationship rather than attempting to resolve the issues. This mindset is often associated with a focus on finding “the one,” and when difficulties arise, destiny believers are more likely to consider ending the relationship (Franiuk, Cohen, & Pomerantz, 2002).

On the other hand, growth beliefs are based on the idea that relationships develop and strengthen over time through effort, communication, and mutual understanding. Those who hold growth beliefs view conflicts and challenges as opportunities for learning and improvement. According to Knee and Canevello (2006), individuals with growth beliefs are more likely to engage in problem-solving and believe that relationships require active nurturing to thrive. This mindset fosters resilience and emotional closeness, as partners are more willing to invest time and energy into overcoming obstacles (Knee, Patrick, Vietor, & Neighbors, 2004).

 

The key difference between the two lies in how they approach conflict and challenges. Destiny beliefs suggest that difficulties signal fundamental incompatibility, leading to a higher likelihood of early relationship termination. In contrast, growth beliefs promote persistence, as challenges are seen as part of the normal process of relationship development (Knee & Canevello, 2006).

In terms of impact, destiny beliefs can lead to unrealistic expectations, resulting in disappointment or dissatisfaction when inevitable relationship challenges arise. People with strong destiny beliefs may give up on relationships prematurely, avoiding the effort needed to resolve problems (Franiuk et al., 2002). On the other hand, growth beliefs encourage partners to engage actively in conflict resolution, promoting long-term satisfaction and relationship success (Knee et al., 2004).

 

[Production: please put text in shaded textbox] Refer to your Destiny Beliefs and Growth Beliefs scores that you calculated using the Destiny and Growth Beliefs Scale at the beginning of this section. Consider how your own experience lines up with the findings just described. Do you feel like your experience with relationships matches what would be expected for someone with your beliefs (i.e., Destiny vs. Growth)? [end of textbox]

 

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